


Mascot Murphy

by cresselia8themoon



Category: Milo Murphy's Law
Genre: Gen, Humor, Oneshot, Slice of Life
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-01
Updated: 2018-09-01
Packaged: 2019-07-05 13:52:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,896
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15864921
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cresselia8themoon/pseuds/cresselia8themoon
Summary: Milo fills in as the Gecko mascot for a football game. What could possibly go wrong?





	Mascot Murphy

“So what did you need me for again?” Milo asked, glancing over his shoulder at the water fountain Melissa had pulled him away from. A leak sprung from the side, covering the floor in a metallic-tasting liquid. “I hope we aren’t above the cooking class….”

Right on cue, screaming erupted from the cooking classroom.

“They’ll be fine. Mr. Ortega probably has a skill he got from ‘The War’,” Melissa said, trying to make a dramatic face, and Milo burst out laughing at her exaggerated pout. “Anyway, I just need you to establish a buffer zone so I can grab a few boxes from my candy stash. I wasn’t expecting sour gummy turtles to be so popular this week, but hey, profits are profits.”

“Okay, but why do you need a buffer zo-“ Milo wondered, almost stumbling into Mort’s back. He took note of the crowd that had gathered around the bulletin by Coach Mitchell’s office. “Sorry. Hey, what’s going on here?”

A dozen heads turned at the sound of Milo’s voice, and the crowd whispered nervously to each other and quickly stepped to the far side of the hall.

“Thanks,” Melissa grinned. “I’ll be right back.”

She slipped into the girl’s locker room from the pathway that had opened up.

“Coach Mitchell’s holding tryouts after school for someone to wear the gecko mascot outfit at the game tomorrow,” Mort explained. “You know, since Paulie’s really…not up for it at the moment.”

Everyone knew that Paulie was still recovering from the sewer rat incident. Since he still freaked out at anything that involved the rodent family, Coach Mitchell and Principal Milder had agreed to find a substitute Gecko for this week’s game. Mostly because the opposing team used a field mouse as their mascot and they didn’t want to terrify the poor guy into becoming a recluse for the rest of his life.

“Yeah, sounds reasonable,” Milo admitted. “Poor guy. Maybe I should try out for the position! I’ve always wanted to stick to walls like one of those cheap sticky hands you get out of the capsules from the grocery store!”

He eagerly scribbled his name on the bottom of the sign-up form. Many of his classmates’ eyes widened to comical proportions, and one of the 8th graders passed out. 

Then Melissa emerged from the locker room, her backpack bulging slightly with the corners of several boxes sticking out. She followed their looks of fear back to the sign-up form. “Oh, that explains it. Well if it cheers you guys up, I’ve got more sour gummy turtles. That’ll be two dollars a pack please.”

As several people dug into their pockets and bags for money, Mort simply watched them from the side. “I’m getting mixed signals from their aura. Their excitement for sour gummy turtles is punctuated by dread.”

* * *

 

The PA rang loudly, shaking Mrs. Murawski out of another desk-induced stupor. “Now I’ll never know what Oakley was gonna say!” she yelled. “I am so having a word with you, Elizabeth!”

Principal Milder’s voice crackled through the old speakers, and some people in the class covered their ears. “There’s been a change of plans. Because Milo Murphy was the only student whose name was not scratched out or colored over with red pen…seriously people. You’re in middle school. It’s possible to erase properly without tearing up the sheet of paper or getting red pen all over the bulletin. Anyway, he gets the part.” She didn’t bother disguising her deep sigh. “Look, if you’re participating in the game, try not to do anything that requires an ambulance or gets the attention of the school board. Milo Murphy, report to the gym after school for practice and the rest of you bring your personal shields just in case. Thank you.”

Bradley scoffed, glaring at Milo across the room. “So how are you gonna pull this one off? Covering yourself with merch from the other team won’t work this time since you’re our mascot. I predict we’ll lose by at least a hundred points.”

Melissa clicked her tongue at him. “Oh ye of little faith. The game hasn’t started yet and you’re already so certain we’ll lose.”

“I’m just being realistic,” Bradley said. “One little fluke’s not going to suddenly give us a winning streak.”

“Wait and see, Bradley,” Melissa smirked. “Prepare to eat those words tomorrow night.”

* * *

 

“Geckos! Geckos! We got class, we’re gonna climb right up your glass!” Milo cheered as he took a flying leap for the glass pane. It shattered before he could make contact, and Milo fell onto a spare blue mat.

“Yeah, we aren’t going to win,” Coach Mitchell muttered.

Principal Milder coughed from the bleachers.

A smile quickly spread across Coach Mitchell’s face. “Uh, I mean we’re gonna win! And I can’t think of anything peppy to say right now so please stop giving me that death glare!”

“I’m only going to stop sitting in on your practices when you stop giving your players self-fulfilling prophecies,” Principal Milder said. “In addition to seeing the cost of the damages Milo Murphy causes so I can fudge it with the school board later.”

“Sorry about that,” Milo said. “But look on the bright side! A limo didn’t plow into the gym at least!”

The cheerleaders and football players screamed as cracks appeared in the floor around them, jumping out of the way as the tiles collapsed. Just as everyone managed to scramble for safety, a mass of squashed milk cartons and tin cans rose from the hole.

“Hey, how do you like my subterranean submarine?” Scott shouted to the group. “With this vessel I will RULE! ALL! OF! SUBTERRANOUS! Terranous, terranous….”

Everyone stared at him.

Scott scoffed. “Fine. Tough crowd. I’ll go find someone who appreciates this kinda stuff.”

Then he disappeared back into the hole, taking the massive amount of garbage with him.

“Right, let’s ignore that and get back to practice,” Coach Mitchell muttered.

“Okay!” Milo cheered. “Geckos! Geckos!”

As he tried to leap over a hurdle, his tail caught on the frame and sent him tumbling head over heels into a wall. “I’m okay!” Milo yelled. The gecko suit did a good job cushioning the impact, even though his tail hog-tied all his limbs together so he could barely move. 

“Doom….” Coach Mitchell sobbed into Principal Milder’s shoulder.

* * *

 

“Milo, are you sure you don’t need any help?” Zack asked as he watched Milo hop around the empty bus as he tried to put on the gecko suit.

Milo tripped over a seat, his legs flailing in the air while he pulled up the fabric. “Don’t worry! If I can manage a huge, poofy ballroom dress, I can handle this just fine! Seriously, you’d be surprised how easy it is to get lost underneath several pounds of fabric.”

After several minutes, he managed to get his arms in the suit as well. Milo reached over his back for the gecko head, but found that he couldn’t get a grip on it. Zack pulled it on for him.

“Thanks!” Milo exclaimed. “To the field!”

“And you’ve got the detachable tail if you’re in a pinch,” Zack reminded him as they got off the bus.

Milo nodded. “I know, right! You guys are just full of surprises.” The tail popped off, thrashing wildly and tripping students who’d come to the game before taking out the tire of the school bus. The bus crashed to the ground, a fire springing from the engine.

“Moving on,” Zack said as they headed to the field. “Just try not to land yourself in the hospital this time.”

“I make no promises!” Milo exclaimed.

Zack joined the huddle of football players who were listening to Coach Mitchell run over the game plan. “Hey, Milo!” Melissa called from the stands. Everyone else had moved to the highest seats, nervously checking over their shoulders for any sign of Murphy’s Law.

“Melissa! What’s up?” Milo asked.

Melissa gave him the ‘I have a plan’ smile. “So, I did a little recon on the Field Mice of Fieldmouse Middle School. Which is a pretty uncreative name when I say it out loud like that, but that’s besides the point. Their mascot is Lola Sundergard, your female doppelganger we ran into at the recycling factory. At the end of the second quarter, you two will swap places. And the Geckos win yet another game! So what do you think?”

“Wouldn’t they notice the switch?” Milo asked.

“I’ve already met up with my counterpart, Melanie,” Melissa shrugged. “She’s agreed to facilitate the trade as well. Though if I know my counterparts, she’s probably got a plan of her own. I’m not really sure. She seemed a little too eager to make the trade. Oh, well. It’ll work. Just you wait and see.”

_“Presenting the Jefferson County Middle School Geckos and the Fieldmouse Middle School Field Mice!_

“Okay, meet up with you later! I’m on!” Milo yelled over his shoulder at Melissa as he did the traditional sprint around the football team. “Go Geck-ACK!” He tripped over a football that had been lying out in the field, sending him sprawling onto the turf.

“Geckos!” Milo cheered one more time before running off the field and joining the cheerleaders.

* * *

 

By the end of the second quarter, neither team had scored. Mostly because the goalposts being on fire, the bats occasionally diving into people’s faces to get an insect, and the giant robots which occasionally fired laser beams in random directions drove people away from the end zones.

While everyone else was distracted by the defunded marching band, Milo hopped over the gate to join Melissa. “Something’s up with the other team,” Melissa noted. “I don’t get it. They should’ve been mercilessly crushing us. Anyway, our rendezvous point is behind the concessions stand. We debated setting it by the restrooms, but I don’t think you’d appreciate nasty public restroom water all over the suit. Then again, I didn’t launch into the details of how exactly we beat the Tigers either.”

Melanie and Lola were already waiting for them behind the stands.

“So, you didn’t back out on our deal,” Melanie said. She leaned coolly on a railing, popping her gum at them. “Okay. Let’s trade mascots.”

“Now why would I back out?” Melissa asked innocently. “We both agreed this would be a hilarious prank on both schools once they realize the switch.”

Melanie shrugged. “Whatever you say.”

“It’s like Melanie has a secret twin who’s just as clever as her,” Lola marveled. “So, we’re switching now?”

It took five minutes to get Milo out of the gecko suit since the zipper was stuck, but with a little teamwork from the girls and a generous amount of popcorn butter, they finally managed.

“Shouldn’t geckos have tails?” Lola asked, holding up the empty gecko suit. “What happened to it?”

“It’s an old suit and our school’s underfunded,” Melissa said. “It’s only natural for some parts to be frayed.”

“Here’s some popcorn butter roller,” Milo said, tossing Lola what appeared to be a lint roller. “It’s like a lint roller, but it absorbs popcorn butter!”

Thankfully, the mouse suit was a lot easier to put on. Milo and Lola stood side-by-side as Melissa and Melanie adjusted the heads to mask the slight differences in their facial features. By the time they finished, the football players were gathering on the field for the start of the third quarter.

“We’ll meet back here after the game,” Melissa said, winking at Milo as she led Lola back to their side of the stadium. “Well, you look like a fully hatched Gecko now, so I just need to make sure you know the main cheer so you’ll blend in.”

“Looks like you’re a field mouse now,” Melanie said. “How’s it feel to trade one prey animal for another?”

Milo tugged on his tail curiously. “Is this detachable too?”

“Nope, but it squeaks if you press the button on your hand,” Melanie said. “Try it out.”

Milo pushed it, only to flinch and hold his hand as far from his body as he could when the button emitted a loud, high-pitched sound. Everyone in the vicinity screamed and covered their ears as all of the lights blew out in the stadium.

 _“Everyone stay calm and don’t panic!”_ the announcer shouted.  _“If you need me, I’ll be in my secret totally not-a-panic-room.”_

“Maybe we should check the power supply first,” Milo suggested, quickly crushing the small box to stop the sound.

* * *

 

“Everyone, grab hold of me!” Milo shouted to the Fieldmouse cheerleaders behind him. They latched on to him quickly, and he swung a rope up to the bleachers. He hauled himself into the stands, helping the other cheerleaders escape the feral cats below. “You girls okay?”

“We had no idea you could do that, Lola!” a blonde girl exclaimed. “Can you teach me someday?”

Milo chuckled. “Well, you see-“

Thankfully, Melanie came to his rescue. “Okay, ladies!” she clapped her hands and pointed down to the field. “You have some important cheering to do! Get down to the field and squeak like you mean it!”

The other girls glanced nervously at the feral cats, who were still circling the track nearby.  

“You might want to take these,” Milo suggested. He handed every cheerleader two balls of yarn. “Cause when the cats are away, the Field Mice will cheer during play!”

A blonde girl with braces giggled behind her pom-poms. “Ooh that’s a good one! Can we start using it?”

Milo nodded. “Yeah, go for it!”

As they watched the cheerleaders resume their positions on the field, Melanie gave Milo a thumbs-up. “Congratulations on besting the Kitty’s Curse,” she said. “We should be dealing with at least five more tonight. Six if the escargot vendor slips.”

“Five more?” Milo asked, ducking when a Gecko’s helmet flew over his head.

Melanie counted on her fingers as she lifted off a slew of various curses. “Lightbulb curse, country music curse, xylophone curse, pom-pom curse, and the one our team is banking on tonight, the Emu’s Curse.”

Milo whistled. “That’s a lot of curses.”

“Yup. Lola and I agreed on this switch so we could break the Emu’s Curse on our team,” Melanie said. “We’ve had it since the beginning of the season, when a herd of emus carried off our assistant coach. We’ll never be able to win a game unless we can break it.”

“So that’s why Melissa said she thought you guys were plotting something,” Milo mused. “And while we’re revealing secrets, this is the second time I’ve dressed as someone from the opposing school to win a game.”

There was only five minutes left in the game, and the teams were still tied with zero points each. It would probably be going into overtime.

Permanent overtime, Milo realized. The game would continue forever if nobody scored. And they would probably have to draft a new government, create the rules for a new society within the cheap stadium walls, try not to inevitably dissolve into anarchy….

“We heard about your victory over the Tigers. The news spread around the district like wildfire. We wondered how a team who holds the district record for a thousand straight losses and counting could even win against a group of sweaty adults,” Melanie paused, tapping her chin in thought. “Hold on. My school has never played the Geckos before tonight due to you being infamous around the city. They know all about the Emu’s Curse too. So why did they schedule us to play against each other?”

Milo shrugged. “Maybe someone forgot to look into it?”

Melanie raised an eyebrow. “That’s the best case scenario. But the staff of Fieldmouse Middle School are timid, much like their namesake. They wouldn’t take responsibility if someone was injured. There’s a third player somewhere. And we better find out who it is before this game goes on for an eternity. And believe me, that’s not a hyperbole.”

* * *

 

Tempers were running high and energy was nonexistent as the game dragged into the third overtime period. The cheerleaders from both sides were benched and refused to cheer anymore, and the tuba player on the Gecko side had keeled over from the sheer weight of his instrument.

“Just score and don’t die out there!” the Fieldmouse coach ordered.

Coach Mitchell picked Zack and Mort to provide enough water to Randy, who was too weak to drag himself over to the water tank.

Milo and Melanie used the opportunity to meet up with Melissa and Lola behind the concessions stand again. Melissa yawned loudly, not bothering to cover her mouth. Lola had lost the Gecko head somehow, but nobody was paying enough attention to notice.

“Sorry about the costume,” Milo said as he handed the tattered gray remains of the mouse suit to Lola. “A group of moths got hungry.”

“No worries!” Lola exclaimed. “Being a Gecko was fun while it lasted!”

“Same for being a Field Mouse,” Milo agreed. He decided against wearing the costume, since putting it on would take too much time. He stuffed it into his backpack for safekeeping, making a mental note to return it to the school later.

“We both know something’s up,” Melissa said, fistbumping Melanie for a job well done. “But who would benefit from the shameless exploitation of middle school football?”

“Shameless exploitation,” Milo repeated. “Melissa, we dealt with someone like that once. And if I’m right, you have to give me your cheese sticks at lunch for the next week!”

“I’m only agreeing to three days,” Melissa said.

* * *

 

The steps up to the announcer’s box were slick with oil, so they held onto the railings tightly so they didn’t trip. Milo took the lead, pressing on as his shoes were slathered in oil. Melanie and Lola were practically climbing on their hands and knees. Melissa was just a few steps below him.

“I knew the announcer was behind this!” Melissa exclaimed. “Don’t declare that you have a secret room on the mike if you don’t want teenagers checking it out.”

“And not just any announcer!” Milo added. He caught himself on the doorknob as he slipped on another patch of oil. “The real culprit is…”

He kicked the door open, only to land flat on his face when his foot slid too far from his body. The man at the microphone whirled around in surprise.

“The real culprit is Victor Verliezer!” Milo exclaimed, quickly getting back on his feet.

“You!” Verliezer shouted.

“Weird guy who cursed me at the grocery store for taking the last chocolate bar!” Lola yelled.

They stared at her.

Lola coughed. “Well, they had other brands. You didn’t have to curse my phones into failing every month.”

Verliezer hissed at them, clutching the microphone protectively. “That was the one of the few brands without peanuts and you know it!” He cleared his throat as he launched into his villain spiel. “We meet again, Murphy. After you and your little friends robbed me of my livelihood, I was forced to stoop to this! Just a common man in an idiotic school district. But lo and behold, I did some digging into the school files and discovered that you and Ponytail here happened to go to the schools that were never allowed to play against each other lest you be locked into a stalemate! Then I thought, why don’t I just let them play forever? You’ll be trapped, and I’ll make millions from the clueless masses who tune in mindlessly to a football game that goes on forever!”

“You do realize that nobody watches middle school football on TV,” Melanie scoffed.

“Or that you probably wouldn’t have a lot of ratings even if people did tune in,” Lola added.

“And everybody can hear you because you didn’t bother to turn the microphone off,” Melissa smirked.

Verliezer paled. “You all heard that, didn’t you?”

“Yes, yes we did,” everyone in the stadium chorused.

Verliezer stumbled past Milo, muttering about how another plot had been ruined. Milo waved at him as he slipped all the way down the stairs, straight into a group of police officers. “Feel free to take your sweet revenge on me once you come up with something that could actually work!” he shouted.

Melissa frowned, pointing out the window. The players were either lying on the turf or the benches, while the cheerleaders used their pom-poms as pillows. Even the coaches and referees were too tired to egg people on. The football laid in the middle of the field, completely forgotten.

“We should probably end this game,” Lola suggested. “I mean, all we have to do is just take the ball into the end zone.”

“Rock-paper-scissors for who gets to win,” Melanie suggested. “Best two out of three.”

“Bring it!” Melissa jumped at the challenge, and the girls engaged in a fierce game of rock-paper-scissors.

Milo yawned after ten minutes, realizing the game wouldn’t be going anywhere since they kept pulling the same hand gesture. “I’ll run the ball down myself,” he said to Lola. “And I don’t know which end is which because I wasn’t paying attention, so both schools have a 50-50 shot at winning. I’d say that’s fair.”

He used an inflatable pool ring to sled down the oil-coated stairs, crashing into the fence by the field. Then he hopped over the barrier and picked up the football. He glanced at both end zones, debating which one he should run to.

Then he decided to take his chances with the one that was swarming with alligators rather than the one surrounded by flocks of Canadian geese. As he passed the thirty-yard line, an exposed water pipe exploded, scattering metallic-looking water all over the field. The geese on the other end honked angrily, taking to the air. There was a scream from the stands, and Milo turned to see Elliot leaping over the students in his hurry to get out of the stadium.

Several birds smacked into Milo, almost making him lose his grip on the football. The alligators waddled after the geese, clearing a safe path in the end zone for him.

Milo cheered as he crossed the line, throwing the football to the ground for good measure. The crowd whispered and pointed to each other, and several people had to shake themselves out of a stupor.  

Then the visitor’s side erupted into cheers.

The Field Mice won the game.

Milo was immediately tackled by Lola as she excitedly led him around the field in a victory lap. The football players cheered weakly from the bench.

* * *

 

“Here. You take the attendance sheet down to the office,” Bradley scoffed to Milo, tossing a few pages at him. “And remember that the office is at the front of the school so that you don’t go to the wrong side like you did on Friday.”

“Lay off,” Zack muttered. “You would’ve been an eternal spectator if Milo and Melissa hadn’t foiled Verliezer’s plot.”

Bradley rolled a pencil back and forth across his desk, now utterly disinterested in the conversation.

“Paulie will be back as the mascot this week,” Melissa said. “Though he’s making a makeshift head and tail out of tin cans for the rest of the season. The school this week has a goat for their mascot, so he should be fine.”

Zack coughed. 

“Using a very loose definition of fine.” 


End file.
